Crashing

I always get to a crash point after a flurry of activity like hosting Thanksgiving. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like the flurry. It just means that there is a rhythm to my energy level and inclinations. Some people seem like Energizer bunnies but I think most of us have our ups and downs.

I’ve learned to expect the crash. Monday is prime crash time for me but this time it held off until Wednesday, yesterday. It started when I woke at 3:30 am and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I pulled on a robe and warm socks and went downstairs and sat in the dark. I would have made a fire but there was no wood inside and I couldn’t bear the thought of carrying wood in before daylight. I was alone. Vic was already off in the city for his three days of work.

I didn’t feel like turning lights on. I made tea. I can do that in the dark. I opened my computer. I can do that in the dark, too. I looked at a volunteer editing job I had started the evening before. I made a few changes in it. I kept working on the job. I did more and more. Day broke and I still didn’t go out for wood for a fire. I didn’t get dressed. I had no energy for either of those things. I kept editing, went through 6 short pieces by 10 am. I ate toast and cheese. Then I turned to my paid work and it, too, happened to be editing, more or less. I did that for a few hours, finished a report, a proposal, and an e-letter. I warmed up leftovers for lunch.

I never did get dressed or carry in wood. Getting dressed, making a fire, even talking were beyond my capacity. On the one hand I was extremely productive. And yet I felt like I had totally regressed into some kind of stuporous hermit mode.

Editing is something I can always do, no matter how bad I feel. For me, editing is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle or doing a crossword. It is low-grade problem solving.

I exhausted even my capacity for editing and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading and watching a movie. I did not go out to yoga. I did not get the mail. I did not pass Go or collect $200.

If Vic had been here I might have cooked a decent meal. Cooking for two, like editing, is something I can do, no matter how bad I feel.

I shed my robe and socks, fell into bed early, and slept 10 hours. This morning I carried in wood, made a fire, and started laundering sheets from the guestrooms before I even made tea. The sheets are drying in the cold sunshine. I have cleaned up the kitchen. I am well into my paid work, doing things that are a tiny bit difficult.

I have identified at least two productive activities, cooking and editing, that I can almost always do even when I am crashing. Fortunately, my life provides plenty of opportunity for both. They don’t really make me feel better, just less bad. I don’t have to look back at a wasted day.

Is resting a waste? I don’t think so, even when it involves sogging out in front of the TV. Crash days make me grateful for the little surge of wellbeing that comes with a more normal day, like today.

How do you crash?