Being a grownup

It is surprising how hard it is to act like a grownup day in and day out, even at age 67. 

I knew for instance that my response to yesterday’s email was not a grownup response. The email came from Katie, who is associate director, and conveyed the gist of her conversation with Carolyn, the executive director. Katie asked me to write certain things based on this conversation, using a particular set of Carolyn’s ideas.

I took offense. Who was Katie to pass on orders to me from Carolyn? Why didn’t Carolyn have this conversation with me, like she usually does? And anyhow, why am I in a subordinate position to either of these women, who are younger than me? That’s probably my own fault, I should work harder and be more ambitious, yada yada. In my mind a hierarchy immediately set itself up, with me on the bottom rung of the ladder, blaming other people as well as myself for that. This is not a grownup response.

I will not characterize my response as childish—that casts children in an unfair light. Still, these instinctual responses show up in childhood and we have to outgrow them. They are ungrownup.

Working at home has its disadvantages and advantages. A disadvantage is communication, as this email demonstrated. It was like playing the telephone game: here is what I heard her say so you should do this. An advantage of being separated from your colleagues, however, is that you don’t have to go with your first response. You can go to the kitchen and make a nice lunch. You can build up the fire. And then you can do the work on your own feelings, which is a major part of being a grownup, before you respond.

I asked myself two questions that help me work through unhelpful feelings.

1) How does this particular thought that is bugging me--“Katie should not be giving me orders from Carolyn”--make me feel? Answer: “Like about two inches tall.”

And then, 2) How would I feel without that thought? Answer: “Like maybe there is a communication snafu here among colleagues.” I realized both my colleagues had been in a hurry about different things and the urgency had gotten in the way of helpful process. I realized that I could restore good communication rather than perpetuate bad process.

While preparing lunch I came up with a plan not to act like a two-inch-tall inferior and powerless person. I called Katie and we talked about what the situation called for, what she needed from me and I from her.

And then, having done the necessary work on myself and with my colleague, I did the necessary work for the organization, like the grownup that I am capable of being. But the work on being a grownup apparently never ends.